A tale as old as time. Two parts of a capital city, both alike in dignity. In fair North London where we lay our scene, with civil blood makes arrogant North Londoners hands unclean.
Romeo and Jules aside, it's the divide that has run through the city for as long as the River Thames: North Londoners absolutely hate South London. But why?
When I first moved to London I was shocked by the extent to which people stay in their camps. North Londoners refuse to accept anywhere south of the river is worth living and South Londoners will scoff at the idea of North Londoners being so undeniably haughty.
At first I decided to go against the grain and vibe with the South London underdogs. Although I was less of an underdog and more just... living in Clapham. Then I moved to Tooting and stayed loyal to my SW postcode. But now, two years in, and I've become one of the North London Cocky Elite.
I am one of those people who thinks Hampstead Heath is the most magical park in the country. I am that girl that loves her NW postcode. I am that awful person that automatically fancies someone a little bit more if they grew up North of the river. So sue me.
But I need to know what drives this divide, and how I have been so easily indoctrinated into it. So I rallied all of my self-important North Londoners and asked them simply: Why do you hate South London so much?
Rachel, 23, Hampstead Heath
"I think being not from London, North london is what you see in all the films so it's a more romantic view of London. It seems more old fashioned and quaint. All the toursity things you visit before you move here like galleries and museums are up North and I prefer the architecture.
"I found South London felt like you could have been anywhere - it didn't feel like London itself, just a suburb. There's less character and less going on. The only thing there seemed to be restaurants and bars and there was less art culture definitely.
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"I don't think you'd go to South London unless you actually live there but obviously everyone comes to North. And all the markets are in North London, Portobello and Brick Lane. Everything's here."
Hayley, 28, Haggerston
"My sister lived in Tooting for a time and honestly the Northern Line from Clapham to Highgate was torture. I could get back home to Southend faster. Not to mention the incessant screeching on the line.
"North London is obviously the best and anyone saying different is kidding themselves. We have Hampstead Heath. We have the ponds. We have the whole of East London. The only time I ever ventured south was when my sister moved there for a time or a couple of nights out in Brixton, which I only said yes to because The Swan was amazing and it was on the Victoria line - the most superior and efficient line there is.
"I honestly can't think of anything making it worth a trip south. Once I went on a pub crawl in Clapham during rugby season and I felt like I'd just been catapulted back into joint sports socials with the 'unay' lads whilst I was a university cheerleader. No thank you.
"I'd much rather be in Rowan's bowling, with a karaoke booth, some time on the dance mats with a vodka slush puppy in hand, followed by some grime tunes on the dance floor. Or a night out at Heaven. Or in Hackney Downs after picking up a coffee from a wanky coffee shop, reading my latest feminist novel. What can the South offer me to top that?"
John, 24, East Finchley
"If you ask anyone from South London to meet up in North London, their answer is always the same: 'It’s too far.'
"This astonishing entitlement and staggering lack of self-awareness is all too indicative of those who live south of the Thames to the point it is now their defining characteristic.
"As anyone who’s ever lived in London (and not moved to Battersea from Surrey to start a Grad scheme) knows South London is impossible to get around and is fairly dull when all things are considered.
"Houses are more expensive, pubs are few and far between, and you can’t move for precious 22-year-olds in expensive vintage tracksuits.
"If we all caved in to the demands of the South London friend we’d never leave Clapham Common. This is precisely why we should never listen to them."
Isabelle, 23, Hampstead Heath
"The heath is what makes North so good. When you step on the heath you feel like you've entered a magical land. In South London, there's no designated women only area. But on the Heath you can go to the ladies pond and be naked if you want to.
"You can go celeb spotting in the North and it just sounds cooler to say you live in North London. It also speaks to me as a Northerner to be more North of London than South. There's great door knockers in the North too."
Emily, 21, Kentish Town
"When God created London he had one thing in mind, making sure everyone knew that North London was elite. Transport, attractions and architecture are far superior in the North. For God's sake there's even a 'Northern line' I don't see a Southern line appearing any time soon - because why? Nobody ever wants to go south unless they absolutely have to.
"In all seriousness though, North London has so many perks that South London will never possess. For starters, it's a commuters paradise as everywhere from St John's Wood to Bethnal Green is well-connected. Just look at a tube map and look at the number of stations north of the river comparable to South.
"That doesn't even account for the fact that North London has some areas of beauty that could not be replicated in the South. Hampstead Village, Regent's Canal and Primrose Hill are areas that could not possibly exist in South London.
"North London is historically older, the architecture is nicer and areas are significantly better developed. With this comes a wealth of attractions that you won't find in South. A wealth of different restaurants, an abundance of museums and parks."
Ollie, 23, Ealing
"South always seemed scuffed, not like East London scuffed with style just messy and a bit sorry for itself. Even the pubs seemed un-looked after with poor management (I worked in a few in Tooting, Bromley, Lewisham). To be fair that was the franchise pubs and I’m sure the independents are all decent, especially the ones I’ve visited in Peckham.
"Also the green spaces aren’t as pretty as in North. They’re usually smaller and feel unsafe in the night time. Nunhead cemetery, however, is a lovely walk.
"The transport to South is complete a** so it’s pretty inaccessible when travelling, like where are all the tube stations?? Trains cost more and Overground is a trek from West London.
"Saying that though, Peckham plex is an institute (£5 cinema tickets) and the closer to the river you get is a touch livelier but that’s basically central. Also Brixton has some wonderful pubs and clubs and so does Clapham, but the ratio compared to North doesn’t really compare."
April, 23, Kentish Town
“I used to live in South London. I know, it’s not something I openly talk about much, but it happened and there’s nothing I can do to change it now.
“I used to hate being patronised by North Londoners, but now I’m just as bad, if not worse.
“North Londoners are the cool kids at the back of the school bus. South London is the one sitting next to the teacher at the front after they wet themselves ten minutes into the trip.
“South London defines everything outsiders hate and judge about London. The lack of personality. The mundane. Yes parks are great, but who actually cares when they’re just full of boring South Londoners?
“Also, I wasted enough hours of my life commuting all the way from one end of the Northern line to the other. I think I’ll be staying up this end from now on.”
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